“Then it is impossible to attain happiness without suffering?”
‘Abdu’l-Bahá. — “To attain eternal happiness one must suffer. He who has reached the state of self-sacrifice has true joy. Temporal joy will vanish.” (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 178)
This week I was reading an article about toxic positivity, which reminded me that Bahá’ís often joke about having a “Feast face” that we wear to community events, masking our real feelings. I wondered when being truly happy, serene and satisfied with all that is in our lives, crosses over the bounds of moderation and becomes toxic. When does being chipper prevent us from being authentic? What prevents us from being authentic in our Bahá’í communities?
When I was going through a really tough time, no one in the Bahá’í community wanted to hear of it, and I felt lonely and abandoned by my community. There are lots of places in the Writings which told me to “be happy”, but I just couldn’t force myself into that emotion, and I learned to stuff it down. I read that teaching and service was the path to happiness, so I made sure that this was the focus of each day, until I burned out from trying too hard. I felt like a mouse in a maze, searching for this chimera called happiness. The more I tried to will it into being, the more elusive it felt.
To me, suffering and joy seemed poles apart until I read this quote and realized I couldn’t have one without the other. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to deny or minimize the suffering arising from my traumatic childhood, and now that I’m starting to face what happened, allow the feelings to surface and recognize how unprocessed trauma effects my behavior, I’m starting to feel lighter and more peaceful. Not happier, exactly, but I’m getting there.
Understanding there’s a link between suffering and happiness, I am grateful!
What jumped out for you when you read this passage? Please share your thoughts below.
If you liked this meditation, you might also like my book Learning How to Be Happy
To me the phrase “eternal happiness” means – happiness after this life. I know, ‘Abdu’l-Baha always encouraged people to “be Happy.” Can we be happy while suffering and in (emotional) pain? We can know that our life here and in the next world is bigger than any pain and suffering here, because the pain and suffering is limited only to this life here. Pain won’t go with us. It ends here. I am grateful to know that and that is the beginning of happiness. I can understand that pain here detaches us from this physical world. Detachment here will result in joy and exaltation in the next world.
People who are content in this life have no reason to change, so they don’t grow spiritually. The purpose of this life is to grow spiritually. Pain equals spiritual growth. Self-sacrifice equals spiritual growth. Endurace/acceptance of pain that comes to us equals spiritual growth. To rejoice in knowing that our soul is growing, in the midst of pain is evidence of spiritual growth. I’m not there yet.
Our mind doesn’t know what is good for our spiritual growth. Our mind wants comfort NOW! That is the opposite of spiritual growth. But, to deliberately cause pain to our bodies creates an artificial situation, just like suicide short circuits the possibility of spiritual growth.
These are only some half formed thoughts.
Yes, that’s such an important reminder Duane – on much of what you said. What resonates most deeply is “People who are content in this life have no reason to change, so they don’t grow spiritually.” Point taken. Thanks!
Susan, I appreciate your vulnerability in writing this piece. I too value authenticity highly and often observe what feels like people saying and showing what they think is “appropriate” for the occasion; not necessarily what they are really feeling. It is not my intuition only, as individuals have shared things with me personally following group gatherings.
If we want to build community, it seems to me we need to be our true selves. Otherwise, we may be in the same place with others but feeling very alone. It has certainly happened to me as well. I have unfortunately learned that some people don’t want to hear about your struggles and difficulties, but instead want to protect themselves somehow and just join you for the pleasant times. How shallow.
I greatly appreciate all the friends around whom I can truly be myself. That makes me happy.
I also want to mention I appreciate dlherrmann’s words in the first comment. It’s a good reminder that we’re here in a workshop, not an art gallery. Blessings to you both.
Thanks JoAnne. I agree that if we want to build community, we need to be our true selves. How else will we truly understand the oneness of humanity? How else will we learn that we are all brothers and sisters.
“Be as a lamp unto them that walk in darkness, a joy to the sorrowful, a sea for the thirsty, a haven for the distressed, an upholder and defender of the victim of oppression… Be a home for the stranger, a balm to the suffering, a tower of strength for the fugitive. Be eyes to the blind, and a guiding light unto the feet of the erring…a shining light in the firmament of thy generation, a fruit upon the tree of humility. – Baha’u’llah, Epistle to the Son of the Wolf, p. 93.” Ah yes, the Feast face. I’m a 46 year Bahai. I’ve come to accept that my Baha’i family is still young, historically, and we come at it with limited understanding, built on previous knowledge. Baha u llahs writings are for eternity. I’m still very new at this. I speak to others in my community in my suffering and I will always welcome the stories of suffering from others. There is value in those stories. There is growth and the sharing of compassion in those stories. I allow my Baha’i friends to speak of their pain because no one escapes it. We are counseled to comfort the distressed. When we commiserate, I encourage that we seek answers for myself and the other in those voluminous writings. And we always find the words that bolster and comfort us. Hence we deepen and are better prepared to teach. As I continue to pray for radiant acquiescence and reach out to others, cradled by the teachings of Baha u llah, I feel less and less that tests are me “dodging bullets”. And The mercy of God leads me to those who will share in this experience, the wonderful and the difficult. This is an excellent topic and one we will no longer fear in the future of this beloved Faith.
“ A lover feareth nothing and no harm can come nigh him: Thou seest him chill in the fire and dry in the sea.
Bahá’u’lláh, The Seven Valleys, p. 9”
Wow, Evie! Thanks for that. The people around you are so lucky to have someone willing to hear difficult stories. I too believe we have a lot to learn from hearing each other’s stories, and I believe this is one way we build communities.
A tremendous amount of energy can be directed towards trying to fix, change and transform our suffering, especially in a religious atmosphere that reinforces our brokenness and dangles holy and virtuous qualities that need to be attained. Seeing oneself in a state of lack, lacking truth, lacking be-attitudes, and focusing on this field of lack by trying to remove it will leave you dis-empowered and impoverished. We want to remove the pain and suffering solely because we can’t face it and allow it to be what it is. In this allowance and acceptance is the freedom, not in the trying to remove it or purify it, which just creates more knots and angst due to the resistance energy of non-acceptance. We have been taught to hate our sin, our ignorance which unfortunately polarizes as aversion. Any aversion has fear underpinning it, fear of not being spiritually evolved, fear of not being good enough, fear of going to hell, fear of being exposed as a failure to self and others, fear of adopting a new way to approach to suffering that is maybe different to a religious approach. The false self programming does not define who you are truly, non of this programming is ours, it belongs to the collective which has been passed on to this human incarnation. So many lies, beliefs, falsehoods have been inherited, from the false self to the nature of God, yet our true Being is here, perfect and undefiled. Self sacrifice has the notion of death surrounding it, causing the mind and lower self to recoil and feel threatened and not want to have anything to do with it. Self acceptance is a compassionate stance that aims to embrace the dissonance, lovingly and unconditionally. Who is this “I” that does not want to accept the suffering. Who are we to say to the universe we don’t want you (suffering) in our lives. There must be pride involved in non-acceptance. The universe or God willingly allows all that is, so to we can allow all of it to be as it is, freeing ourselves from redundant and destructive processes that have been taught to us that in actual fact cause more suffering. We must stop the war with suffering with compassion, acceptance and wisdom. Anything other than that will only maintain the suffering and war within. Make peace with suffering, and let go of the disposition of anger, fear and hate towards it. See that all effort to nullify suffering only fuels it’s flames. At our deepest being we are okay. And this being full of light is big enough to welcome the guests of suffering with open arms and a sincere friendliness. Make friends with the emotions, sensations, desires and thoughts. When they arrive only warmth and openness will win them over. So allow, accept and love the guests of suffering, we are that at our core, that is who we are. Our little ego’s are scared and they need to be able to trust you, and only gentleness and love from you will allow it to surrender in your open arms. Become the mother to the little child within. Hope it helps please provide feedback if you wish. I am just a beginner by the way.
There’s a lot of wisdom in what you have to say, Peter. Thanks for your insights. What resonated most for me was the link I made between fear and all the ways we create false selves. I could see clearly that these were all veils between me and God.
I think the Be Happy, for what day are you waiting applies to the kind of mindset that we can control, our perspective of current circumstances and the values we place on the permanent vs temporal (or material). Complaining about things, unhappy with the weather etc. That is in no way applies to true sadness and depression or effects from trauma. Then authenticity is what is helpful. This is where I am and I will be with it and need to be supported , held and witnessed until the healing happens. The Feast face you refer to is detrimental to any true development of spiritual community. I think it’s a real hindrance in the West (including Iran) and less prevalent in some indigenous cultures (including Africa). Glad you wrote about this.
I think it’s detrimental too, Larry. I’m hoping that home visits will be one way to increase intimacy (once we’re able to gather in homes again!)