By James Howard Russell
Allah’u’abha! I am a 47 year-old third-generation Baha’i. I’m also gay. On the six-point Kinsey scale I eventually nailed myself as 4.5, which is at about the 75 percent mark across the scale (0 totally straight, 3 bisexual, and 6 totally homosexual). Sadly, this means to me that 75 percent or so of my sexual interest is devoted towards men. Woops, I am one, and people have a problem with that
I met a Baha’i recently who told me he had — living in Seattle — never even met a gay Baha’i, and so after some thought, I’ve decided to share a little of my journey from a man that has had homosexual feelings since before puberty, hated himself for them fiercely, and come out alive on the other side to write this.
Just a little background about me: like others in this country who went to school in the 1980s or prior, I was taught by American society that a man being attracted to men was considered morally wrong before I even knew to associate that concept with myself. When later I finally had accept in myself an innate attraction to other men, you can imagine the impact on my self-worth as I had to accept that my brand-new sex drive as a young man, such a part of any young man’s excitement when embarking towards manhood, was broken.
In high school I frequented libraries looking up with fierce — but ultimately futile — hopes that I would find evidence this hated trait was a phase I would grow out of or a condition that I could be cured of. Come to find out that curing doesn’t work, and overwhelmingly hurts those who try, increasing suicidal ideation when relapsing, and so forth.
“Okay,” I realized at some point, “So my unbidden but immovable homosexual desires are evil… gotcha. What did I do to be born evil again? Do I have to stay evil? Or can I just hide being evil and pretend to be good?” This latter means doing what gay men had done throughout the ages, hide it like crazy, deny it, have sex in secret, and marry a woman to really hide it? Sorry, to me that latter seems more evil than having sex with men.
I realize that to live with a man and have an emotional and sexual relationship with him _is_ a life choice and one forbidden in the Faith. I maintain that in my case, at least the attraction is _not_ a choice: who (in the 1980s, at least) would choose to be a kind of societal leper? Not I.
Sadly, sexuality is not changeable by human means, at least not at this time in history, and few of us have the spiritual capacity to just ignore our inner desires altogether. You can deprioritize sex and fantasies in your head to a degree, sure, but it’s always there in the background. And, because as far as you know you were born this way like myself — that is, not molded in such fashion by molestation or other abusive means – you have to then transfer the hatred of the characteristic with yourself, because you have it.
So, over the years I did some reading, and successively found what I was looking for layer by layer. First I found that Shoghi Effendi interpreted Baha’u’llah’s law against pederasty as also against Baha’is having homosexual sex. I’ve talked to gay Baha’is or straight non-Baha’is that are interested in the Faith but can’t get past what they see to be a denial of human rights and bigoted.
But read further, and the Guardian also said if we’re to start sanctioning Baha’is who engage in homosexual sex, we’ll also have to start sanctioning Baha’is who have extramarital heterosexual sex and Baha’is who commit adultery, and he noted that at that time – which he called a “low water mark in spiritual history” – to engage in such sanctioning would be “ridiculous.”
Against Baha’i law as it is, seeing homosexual sex listed alongside extramarital heterosexual sex for the first time in my life in any context, and it makes perfect sense suddenly to me. How many do you know who married as a virgin? Not many? Me either. I can’t recall any, actually. Thinking about it, extramarital sex in this country is the norm, not the exception, and virgins are hard to find these days.
Is this, then, an indication that even if I do have sex with a man, that’s not so different than two heterosexuals having sex outside of marriage; against the law, certainly, but not such a huge deal I should — or anyone should — hate me for it? That sounds more right to me.
I’m clearer now that Baha’u’llah’s laws are to protect all mankind, world over, and to promote the betterment of the entire world. Looking at it, created as we were said to have been by God with love, out of love, to love him in return and serve your fellow mankind. It sounds more reasonable, then, that Baha’u’llah gave us these laws to avoid self-harm on our part; a sort of fence of guidelines that we’re more than welcome to walk out of, but the path is likely gonna be rockier there. If these laws were, then, given to us as a loving parent gives rules to a beloved child that they don’t want to see get hurt, not random torments to suffer under.
Ultimately I know I have to choose a man or a woman, and know and accept that I am giving up something dear to me either way. Either I go against my sexual preference and try and find myself a female mate who’ll actually want me after being honest with her about my history and sexuality, or I will choose a good man, and in so doing lose the potential for a husband and wife family team, which I do see great value in for those capable, it’s clearly much harder to have biological babies for obvious reasons, and not least having to potentially deal with anti-gay bigotry that is not gone just because of legalized gay marriage. It’ll go underground more, but it’s not gone.
Thankfully, after this journey through Baha’i writings and my own conscience, soul, and moral compass, it’s finally becoming evident to my heart and mind that I am not defined solely or even mostly by my sexuality, not, at least, by Baha’u’llah. And as a man, gay or not, I need to love all of me, even the parts I may not like or understand — because even those parts may prove to have hidden value. Would I be writing to you now this very personal facet of myself that will likely make at least one person who sees it here uncomfortable? No, I’m not a sadist. However, maybe I can help reach the next gay Baha’i I meet as disillusioned and self-loathing as I once was? Such is my hope.
My heart tells me that regardless of other people and their beliefs, God loves me unconditionally and wants the best for me, and the answer to my question is that no, I am no less of a man in Baha’u’llah’s eyes, and He tells me that God would never promote hatred of any of His children for any reason, even for being gay. I thank God that not too late in life I can learn to see myself as a man, not as a “gay man” or as a “bi man” or including any another a stupid qualifier.
I think you’ll be interested to know there is an official Baha’i organization (a committee of the National Spiritual Assembly of the Baha’is of Canada) I’m part of that is set to spread all over North America as soon as we can. It’s called BNASAA (Baha’i Network on AIDS, Sexuality, Addictions and Abuse). We want to start local service groups, a term for people organizing Baha’i-led groups, prayer circles, youth deepening (KEY ONE), and other such activities that would ALSO serve the 5-year plan. Please like us on Facebook
I’m James, I’m gay, I’m a Baha’i, and I’m doing the best I can. Contact me at jhrussell [at] gmail [dot] com for more information.
Thanks for reading,
JHR
Hello James,
I can’t thank you enough for your moving letter! I am a Baha’I’ Psychologist and work with many couples of all sexual orientations and I have been feeling a need for a long time to hear from a gay person who is a Baha’i’ and how they have processed the teachings in such a personal way. I attended a Baha’i’ conference for mental health professionals about ten years ago on the topic of spiritual identity vs. a sexual identity and it was enlightening. I am slowly gaining a greater understanding of this topic and had to in order to help couples and decipher my role as a therapist. I had concluded, at the start of my practice 15 years ago, that all couples and households benefit from and deserve to have a harmoneous family experience and that teaching love and harmony benefits all people. I believe this topic of sexuality is a barrier for Baha’i’s when we teach and we are in need of having more discussions such as the one you presented. I appreciate hearing your insights of the Baha’i’ writings and hope you will write more. We all need it!
Thanks again,
Sincerely,
June Martinez
Thank you for your support. I guess I should consider following up on the article in some fashion. I’ll give the matter some thought.
JR
Hi James,
You are right, Baha ullah loves us all equally and understands that each of us have a weakness.
I’m born straight, married, and have a kid. I love my son unconditionally. Even though I’m just a feeble human being. I can accept and love my child whether Gay or straight. He is my son and I adore him. He is nine years old now, and the topic of sexual orientation does not even cross his mind. Yet, as every father, I have applied the lens of how a father would look at his own sons and daughters in that case. I thought about it and found that I would love them unconditionally, no matter what. Imagine the source of love God how much love He has for us.
As a kid, I was luckily sent with my young brother to a boarding school. In such ecosystem, you get to meet different people from all parts of the world and religions. I remember two children, age 10, they were not the same as the other boys and had different hobbies and preferences. One used to associate with girls more did not play football like us, and was very soft spoken. The other had similar traits, had many girlfriends, which we envied, how he was able to get along girls and understand their mindset. While we did not know how to speak to girls or get them to like us. I’ ‘m talking about the ’90s that time most of us did not even know how babies are made.
Now as adults, I know that both of these kids grew up to become gays. One is sadly suffering from STD’s and the other have chosen to keep his orientation for himself and not indulge in any sexual activities.
This made me understand that homosexually is often not a choice. I know that some celebs worldwide try and indulge in homosexuality as something new.
However, I met many, and most grew up with it. I changed the way I look at homosexuality. Now I’m more accepting more considerate.
I know people have a million struggles, and homosexuality is one of them. Sometimes it is a sexual issue between married couples that is a struggle. All humans have their struggles, and we are all trying to become better and contribute to humankind and society which is the most important. Abdul Baha says to turn our back to our shortcomings and our face to Him. This way we can overcome all our struggles, and focus on what we can do good for our societies.
I wish you good luck in your life and service.
Regards
Thank you for such a compassionate response, Ron.
As a queer Baha’i who is married to a trans person – I am so thankful for this article. I do not engage with other Baha’i people because I have heard such terrible opinions from the community.
I’m so sorry to hear this, Emily, and I know it’s unfortunately all too common. Nothing is more divisive against the Faith on the internet than this issue. Please keep your focus on Baha’u’llah and not on the actions of your fellow Baha’is.
This is truly sad, one of the main things in the Bahai faith is to show love and to not show judgement. I know this happens …even dealing with racism bahai’s are not free from this because I have seen as a POC in the faith. To truly be a bahai’s is to love mankind without judgment we are all struggling with our own stuff
Well said, Merie. Not one of us knows what another person is dealing with or what spiritual tests are in front of them every single day. Looking after our own field is our full time jobs.
Thank you SO MUCH!!!
Thanks for sharing. It is important to have such articles on the net.
I agree Vafa!
Thank you for writing this James. Really appreciate you sharing your story. It helped me understand.